A Letter, In Which I Give Some Good Advice

Dear Ricky Williams,

I read about your highly-principled retirement from professional football earlier this week and applauded your unique spirit. Today I read an interview in which you stated that failing three league-mandated drug tests by smoking marijuana deeply troubled you, and that facing a four-game suspension for repeated violations of NFL drug policy was, to paraphrase, whack.



That's a bit different.



You feel like getting hassled by the man is shackling your spirit. I understand. I'm sure that rolling a gigantic blunt and sparking it up at ten in the morning makes you feel like James Dean. However, please allow me to point out the following:

Important Fact #1--People will pay you 3-6 million dollars a year to play football.

Important Fact #2--People will pay you absolutely nothing to smoke dope.



See, and here's the important part: you need money to buy the dope. Without #1, there is no #2. I wouldn't be so concerned, normally, because I'd assume that somebody as famous as yourself was set for life, but signing Master P as your agent and having him negotiate your rookie contract got you two cans of soup and a magazine cover wearing a wedding dress instead of financial security. I'm worried that if you don't play football, you may run into a serious dope deficiency in your lifetime.



So come on back, Ricky. It's not just good sense--it's good math.

Sincerely,

bill

p.s. I have a blog read by many famous people.